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Can We Have it All?

Tan France

Nov 8, 2021
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You know, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I have to admit, I think the answer is no. We can’t. I so wish that weren’t the case, but I think it might be.

Whilst I was away in London, my son Ismail changed quite a bit. He went from being the baby who slept regularly and ate relatively well, to a baby who fights sleep as if he’s going for Olympic gold in aversion, and is now drinking almost half of what he was drinking a couple weeks back. I have no idea what happened, but it has added a shocking amount of stress to our lives.

My husband Rob is an angel, and did all he could to make sure Ismail stuck to his routine, but babies go through phases, and they change. It was really hard for Rob, being at home, alone, for 11 days, parenting a newborn. I will never get over the guilt of having to be away all that time, and not being there to physically help. I so wanted to be there to support my boys, but was contractually obligated, and it seems like its had a real affect on them.

Rob tells me that I should go and do whatever I need to do for work, and that he will hold down the fort at home, but it's really not as simple as that. Being a stay at home parent is bloody hard, mostly emotionally. So, I can’t just continue on, as if life didn’t change in the biggest way for us.

I cleared as much of my calendar as I possibly could, but that still leaves me with 5-7 hours of work each day, with zooms, meetings, content creation, and Rob is left down stairs taking care of the baby.

I honestly don’t know what the solution is, but I know that something has to change, and soon. I wanted children because I wanted to raise my children, and I still do. I also love my job and find it so rewarding, not just financially. All of this has just made me re-evaluate. It’s also made me quite “difficult”, which is something I don’t like to be. But, if I'm going to be able to take care of my child more often, I have to say no to people more often. I have to really put those boundaries in place, to make sure I'm clear on what I have the bandwidth for, and what I don’t. Being one of the “nice guys” on TV is all well and good, but it's then shocking to people when you say “no, sorry, I can’t stay an extra hour”, after a 10 hour shoot, because I have to get home and see my child, or “no, if you want to book me, you’ll have to come out and shoot me in my city, otherwise I can’t take the job”. It’s a shitty feeling to feel like people are thinking you’ve become a diva, but I truly am just trying to make life a little easier for everyone involved.

It’s a work in progress. But, for now, I'm a little panicked and I pray I get my shit together soon.

I promise this isn’t me moaning. I know how incredibly lucky I am, and so grateful for all that I have. I know that life is so much harder for so many people. I'm just processing my feelings….in real time…..with all of you.

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16 Comments

  • Sophie Martyn
    Why do we, as parents, always feel we have to say "I know other people have it worse"
    F it..you're going through it. Your feelings are valid regardless of your financial situation, your career etc
    Parent guilt is the hardest thing and I promise you, …
    See more
    3
    • 27w
    • Author
      Tan France
      I totally agree. Thank you, dear!
      • 25w
  • Amy Kefauver
    Hi Tan, I understand so much of what you are feeling. I wish someone had told me, before my first child arrived, that infants change every 3 weeks. I wish they'd said, "If you're enjoying life with your baby, or if you're miserable right now, just kn…
    See more
    • 28w
  • Joanne Richards
    Unfortunately this is the reality of looking after a newborn baby - we aren’t meant to do it alone and you will both need as much support as possible. Get family and friends involved and I highly recommend hiring someone ASAP to be there with you - it makes it so much easier to have someone supporting you both with meals/laundry/baby settling so you can both be the fathers you want to be. It IS extremely hard and the more you can do to support Rob during this time and the more support you get for you, the better you’ll both be. Prioritise sleep for you both and eating well and time out for both of you. Walking with baby really helps. Talk to a professional if it’s getting on top of you but don’t wait for things to get worse before getting as much help as you can. Try not to have Rob alone at home looking after the baby on his own - get as much help as possible.
    • 28w
  • Kristina Johnson Strong
    Your openness and honesty is refreshing, your not alone. I can relate so much, welcome to the circus! Your doing great
    • 27w
  • Kiley Armstrong
    Work-home integration was impossible for me -- so I shut off the mental "work switch" when I left the office. I only answered work communications at home when it was urgent. Do you have a secretary or personal assistant to be your gatekeeper? ... Also.…
    See more
    • 28w
  • Ruby Nvmd
    TanI remember when my husband left me with a newborn for work. It was a rough few days and we found out our little one had colic. He was actually here scoping out here interviewing at Huntsman. I was a mess.
    You know, he asked our hospital family bac…
    See more
    • 22w
  • Suzanne Stroh
    It sounds like this is really,really hard for you, and for Rob. I am impressed with how you are facing up to it and realizing that its a very complicated thing. I'm glad that you are balancing both your feelings about it and your thoughts. Being a pare…
    See more
    • 28w
  • Kavin Kara
    Hi Tan. I haven't a baby so I can't understand your words. But I guess it's too hard for you and Rob. You musn't guilty yourself because of your work. Sometimes I feel like you, like I can't protect the balance. But it'll be okay in time. You know you'…
    See more
    • 28w
  • Tony Pang
    Every time we say yes to something we say no to something else - in this case always saying yes to work means saying no to spending more time with family and this particular stranger on the internet thinks it’s a good thing that you know that. Its a c…
    See more
    2
    • 28w
  • Steffie Abdelrazek
    Hi Tan, I've been reading your stories for a while now and never felt the need to comment (mostly because I figured you have other things on your mind than reading the comments), but this time you really hit home with me (and trust me, my life is vastl…
    See more
    2
    • 28w
    • Author
      Tan France
      Thank you for this lovely comment- you all have made me feel so validated and supported! x
      • 25w
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