You know, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I have to admit, I think the answer is no. We can’t. I so wish that weren’t the case, but I think it might be.
Whilst I was away in London, my son Ismail changed quite a bit. He went from being the baby who slept regularly and ate relatively well, to a baby who fights sleep as if he’s going for Olympic gold in aversion, and is now drinking almost half of what he was drinking a couple weeks back. I have no idea what happened, but it has added a shocking amount of stress to our lives.
My husband Rob is an angel, and did all he could to make sure Ismail stuck to his routine, but babies go through phases, and they change. It was really hard for Rob, being at home, alone, for 11 days, parenting a newborn. I will never get over the guilt of having to be away all that time, and not being there to physically help. I so wanted to be there to support my boys, but was contractually obligated, and it seems like its had a real affect on them.
Rob tells me that I should go and do whatever I need to do for work, and that he will hold down the fort at home, but it's really not as simple as that. Being a stay at home parent is bloody hard, mostly emotionally. So, I can’t just continue on, as if life didn’t change in the biggest way for us.
I cleared as much of my calendar as I possibly could, but that still leaves me with 5-7 hours of work each day, with zooms, meetings, content creation, and Rob is left down stairs taking care of the baby.
I honestly don’t know what the solution is, but I know that something has to change, and soon. I wanted children because I wanted to raise my children, and I still do. I also love my job and find it so rewarding, not just financially. All of this has just made me re-evaluate. It’s also made me quite “difficult”, which is something I don’t like to be. But, if I'm going to be able to take care of my child more often, I have to say no to people more often. I have to really put those boundaries in place, to make sure I'm clear on what I have the bandwidth for, and what I don’t. Being one of the “nice guys” on TV is all well and good, but it's then shocking to people when you say “no, sorry, I can’t stay an extra hour”, after a 10 hour shoot, because I have to get home and see my child, or “no, if you want to book me, you’ll have to come out and shoot me in my city, otherwise I can’t take the job”. It’s a shitty feeling to feel like people are thinking you’ve become a diva, but I truly am just trying to make life a little easier for everyone involved.
It’s a work in progress. But, for now, I'm a little panicked and I pray I get my shit together soon.
I promise this isn’t me moaning. I know how incredibly lucky I am, and so grateful for all that I have. I know that life is so much harder for so many people. I'm just processing my feelings….in real time…..with all of you.